June 8, 2024

I was sitting in the sun contemplating things and doing self-inquiry when suddenly I was aware of all my thoughts as being separate from me, from my sense of self. I was seeing the whole thinking apparatus as if it were out in front of me, in a sense, and it all seemed to have nothing to do with me. It like I was watching a movie of someone else’s thoughts playing out, but it wasn’t me — it was all just “there.” But what was here beyond the thinking was so pure, vibrant, and alive, and so absolutely empty, so absolutely nothing, that I had no words for it and yet I knew it was just “being.” This knowing was a certainty, and yet it wasn’t a knowing OF anything. You know you know but you can’t say what you know because there’s nothing there except knowing. Nothing has to certify this knowing because it answers only to itself. There was no sense of a me in this at all, only a knowing that what is here is here.

But there was a bit of confusion because without any identification, the sense of a me was out of a job, lost. There was also a weird feeling, outside of the whole thinking apparatus, which I will translate as a question of “What just happened? Is this OK? What do I do?” It’s like my ghost of an ego was trying to engage and there was nothing to engage with. The ego didn’t exist, neither in the being nor in the thinking.

The difference here compared to my other non-dual experiences was that it was OK. I felt no fear or stress about it and no urge to change it – just the sort of off balance feeling like I needed to do something without any idea what that was. But the best thing about this was the sense of utter freedom that’s indescribable. There are no words for it. I simply saw that I am not the thinker. The thinker is an illusion. The freedom was in seeing that nothing that could ever happen in thought has any consequence to me, because there is no me anywhere, so the whole idea of there being a problem for anyone was meaningless. This whole experience was momentary but amazing and hope inducing, like seeing a light at the end of a long dark tunnel that you thought would never end. In a way this was like a different perspective of my “Magic Space” vision. So that was that.

Then a few days later during a Zoom meeting with Unmani (a non-duality teacher) I mentioned this experience and I liked her response (see below). At some point she said something that led me to having a similar momentary experience. This time I briefly saw the illusion of the whole character — the thoughts, perceptions, memories, personality — the whole person that I think I am — all THAT was now in front of me, so to speak. And I was just “Being,” and there wasn’t a self. But there was no identification, so nothing that could happen to the character was of any consequence! Pleasure, pain, life, death, loss, senility — nothing has any consequence, it was just there, as “this.” Like shadows on the wall from your imagination. Again, this was only momentary, but has left a residual impression.

In this experience there wasn’t a sense of oneness either but I had the same sense of absolute freedom as with the earlier experience. It was a realization that no experience could ever hurt me or be of any importance. It reminds me of Adyashanti’s first awakening experience where he lost all fear but did not yet see everything as one.

September 4, 2019

I haven’t posted here in a while so here is an edited transcript of a 1990 Robert Adams talk called “You Are Not The World”, found in his book “Silence of the Heart”. It’s long but worth reading.

“This is not a formal talk. I can only tell you about my own
experiences, not what I read. I can tell you that nothing exists
the way it appears. Everything is appearance. The trap is, that
we get pulled into the appearance. We react to it. We feel hurt.
We feel slandered. We feel something is wrong. We have
negative emotions because we are falling for a false premise-
that the world is real.

In fact, the world is not real and neither are you. What we
have to do is stop reacting to anything. The only way to do that
is to discover who you are. When you discover your true
nature, everything becomes perfectly clear. You are at peace.
If something works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
Your feelings have been transmuted. You never even feel what
human beings feel. You just have a great love and compassion
for all things. You know that the substratum of all existence is
harmony, peace, emptiness. You feel wonderful all the time.
What can disturb you if you are at peace? If you find true
peace, what can possibly disturb you?

The world comes and goes. One day it is like this, the next
day, it is like that. But what does it have to do with you?
Nothing. You are free, you are not the world.’You are not your
body, you are not your mind. You are total freedom, total joy,
total love. You have to awaken to this fact-it’s truth.

We speak many words and take many actions, but to what
avail? Does it matter in the end? We build our life, we earn
positions, we father children, and what happens at the end?
Poof! It’s all gone. Everything disappears. (Robert laughs)
There is nothing. So what’s the purpose?

People say, “I must leave this world better for my children.”
They are dreaming. The world will never be better or be
worse. The world is a dream of existence; like this one day, like
that another. But you are not the world. Awaken to that fact.

You are not your thoughts, you are not your karmic
expressions, you are not your inclinations from past lives.
These things appear real as long as you believe in them. If l believe
in the devil, the devil would appear to me. I would create him
myself. If you believe in God, your god would appear to you.
Ramakrishna believed in the goddess Kali. Kali became very
real to him. He used to dance and sing with Kali. (Robert
laughs) He created Kali. That is why no one else saw Kali but
him. That is how we create our lives.

Think of the things you fear in your life. You fear becoming
sick. You fear poverty. You fear getting divorced, you fear
getting married. Whatever you fear is a concept created by
your own mind. There is no question of should I get married
or shouldn’t I get married. It doesn’t matter. What matters is
how you react to it and what you expect of it. This is true in
every aspect of your life. That is what you have been trained to
believe since you were a little kid. Your teachers brainwashed
you, your parents brainwashed you, the outside world brainwashed
you, and here you are.

You are filled with ideas, concepts, emotions, attitudes, and
that makes you what you are-miserable. (laughter) As soon
as you wake up, all that disappears. Nothing can ever happen
to you of a destructive nature. There is absolutely nothing that
can destroy you. You cannot be destroyed. Your body may
appear to vanish, but that is like a dream. You dream that you
are doing something, then you get shot and disappear. Then
you wake up.

My question to you is, “What do you believe about yourself
and about the world? What is most important to you?” I feel
that a true spiritual path should be the first thing of importance
in your life. Why? Because it wakes you up. No matter
how good a life you live, you may become the richest and most
famous person on earth, you’ll have to experience the other
side of the coin one day and be the poorest, most miserable
person on earth. That’s the way it works. You may say to me,
“My neighbor never has any problems. It’s like he fell into a
pot of gold. Everything he touches turns into money. He’s as
happy as a horse. He’s got a beautiful wife, a big house,
everything he could possibly need, and look at me! You know,
that guy’s life hasn’t changed for forty years.”

You’re making your own conclusion. He has earned this
karmically, and if he doesn’t pull away from it, he might spend his
whole life in goodness, human goodness. But then he will be
drawn back again by the law of karma, which is in his mind and he
doesn’t know it, and next time he will be a homeless person.
Whatever he does, he won’t be able to make a dime. He’ll try his
best, but he’ll always be poverty stricken. He won’t be able to earn
a dime no matter how hard he tries. This is why we should never
judge. You have no idea what your neighbor’s going through.
Never say he or she has a wonderful life and look at mine. Why am
I poor, why am I sick, why am I this way or that way. The idea is
to wake up, not to look at yourself, not to feel sorry for yourself, not
to compare yourself with others, but to awaken.

When you awaken, something happens that is unexplainable.
There are no human words to explain it. When you
awaken you just understand, you know, you feel-and these
words are inadequate-you become Divine harmony. You are
no longer fooled by person, place or thing. You no longer
react.

As an example, someone tells you that you won the lotto,
you won fifty billion dollars. You do not become a slave to
that. Someone tells you that you lost fifty billion dollars. Same
thing, same reaction. You do not become a slave to that. What
happens in the human life does not matter. When you know
who you are, you do not say it doesn’t matter. You simply
exist. You exist as yourself. You’re at peace. No one can ever
take the peace away from you no matter how hard they try.
You are not fooled by things.

What you do is deal with yourself£ You can give of yourself
because you become your living self. Therefore, you can give
yourself away and you’re still there, for you’ve become the Infinite
Self, the Divine Mother, Omnipresence, Total Oneness with all
things. So you can give of yourself, and yet you’re always there.

When Ramana Maharshi was being robbed, his devotees
wanted to attack the robbers, and he said, “No, no, no. It’s our
dharma to be what we are, and it’s their dharma to be what
they are. We should not interfere with their dharma, therefore
give them what they want.” That’s very profound. We are
spiritual people. The world is not. We act in accordance with
spiritual principles.

What this really means is that we, as human beings,
become last, not first. That’s what Jesus meant when he said,
“Those who go first will be last, and those who are last will be
first.” You have to develop great humility. Do not long for
anything. Do not want to be rich, or famous or great, and do
not say, I want to be poor and have nothing, either. They’re
both wrong. Just be yourself. When you are yourself, you will
be amazed how the universe takes care of you.

It’s like the body with vitamins and medicines. Your body
is a natural healing factory and able to heal itself. When you
start taking too many vitamins, when you start taking medicines
too much, the body says, “Well, you’ve made that into
your God, so now you have to depend on it.” Then you have to
keep taking vitamins for the rest of your life or you get sick.
Think about that.

You’ve got to depend on yourself to take care of everything.
Now, your Self is yourself. There’s one Self, so we take care of
each other. Did you ever think of that? When you think of
others you’re making a mistake. The feeling will come to you
one day that you are all others. There are no others, there is
just the Self appearing as others. So, how do you treat others?
As you treat yourself. You don’t think about it. You don’t think
that that person’s worthy and that person’s not, so I’m going
to help this person, not that person. You give of yourself
automatically. You do not think about it because everything is
yourself, and that includes the mineral kingdom, the vegetable
kingdom, the animal kingdom, the human kingdom, and
everything else you don’t understand. They’re all part of the
One. What you do to the One, you do to everything. How you
treat one person is how you treat the whole universe because
everything is One. ….. ponder these things.”

This video is long but amazing, especially the first seven minutes!

November 1, 2018

Many years ago a client told me she had an NDE (Near Death Experience). But since her life was not in danger at the time, it seemed to me like a simple OBE which she had while taking a nap. But now I understand why she called it an NDE – it’s the experience that defines it really, not the circumstances.

This morning I woke up twice before 6:30 and each time I began relaxing the body and doing self inquiry and fell asleep. The second time I had a dream of seeing myself in a lighted room doing self-inquiry. I was looking at something in my hands and suddenly there was nothing else but the experience. My ego had disappeared and there was no “I” and I said to myself “this is it!” Instantly everything disappeared and I was floating in a void. Then the void became a cloud of pink light. Something opened up and it felt like I was experiencing almost my entire existence. I was immersed in my own Being. There was nothing really specific beyond a few recognized sounds, but I sensed that all around me was everything I had experienced in my entire life and they were whole experiences. I heard voices and felt the energy and motion of things happening. I heard someone speak my mother’s name and all these experiences were very vivid and clear. I was totally lucid – 100% conscious. I thought about Ana (a deceased soul-partner) and about trying to control this experience and maybe contacting her but that felt like a contraction of my awareness so I let the idea go.

During the whole thing, I was recognizing that there was only “that” (the experience) and no “I”. Still there was the sense of the hub of this experience (a larger me) floating and turning, like the center of a galaxy, while the experiences of my existence were rotating around me like stars. These experiences felt like portals I could go through and be in another time and place reliving a past experience. I had a similar occurrence  many years ago when I was 29. At that time I was doing daily deep relaxation exercises and memory work. I lay down for a nap one day and suddenly re-experienced several memories so vividly I was astonished. There was a dual consciousness where I experienced those memories as if I was both watching myself from the outside and simultaneously feeling them happening TO me. Today’s experience was different because the experiences were not happening to anyone – the internal and external viewpoints had merged.

I thought at the time that this was like being dead because it was so profound, and because I felt no sense that I had a body anywhere to go back to as I do when having an OBE. There was also a hugeness to it all – I wasn’t a measly little human being – there was a god-like quality to it as if what I was experiencing was a bubble in infinite space, and I was totally happy and at peace.

Eventually I came out of it, opened my eyes, and found myself in bed. I feel now, as I record this, that am losing parts of the memory of it. The “this is it” moment was egoless – there was no self. I can’t really describe it. Walls and barriers seemed to just fall away. It was something like my expanded awareness experience at age 21 but it was of a different caliber – this wasn’t just perfection, this was opening to all of my past experience –  but it wasn’t MY past experience, it was just experience, because there wasn’t an “I”. Also there was a sense of joy and love at the same time – of bliss – but then some feeling of worry came up because I was disoriented and something felt stuck. I also felt I was having this experience alone because there was only one reality and an emerging sense of oneness with all beings.

The experience never fully opened up – or maybe it did and I don’t remember it – it just happened. In the end I was left with a deeper sense of the totality of my existence being present now, in each moment, and even less of a concern about death.

September 22, 2018

I woke up and did some deep relaxation at 6:20 and fell back tp sleep. Just before waking up I saw myself lying in bed as a tiny figure, as if I were out of my body, although I was not lucid. Then I had the feeling of something falling away and as it did I became more lucid and clear headed. But what fell away was the ego and the whole sense of “me” and as it did I screamed “NOoooo!” but I did this with humor because I knew the “me” was a fantasy and always had been. There was an amazing sense of there being nothing that could be harmed or anything that could ever have a problem, and that the sense of a “me” was a simple illusion, like a fake knot that unties itself as you pull on the strings. There was also the understanding that this was surrender – ie the illusory idea was being let go of – but “I” did not let go of it – it vanished of its own accord by the recognition that it simply didn’t exist and everything is exactly what it is. This was a liberating moment! And I saw that this experience could not be anticipated or described – it was a surprise, and if I experience it again it will again be a surprise. But the main thing was that this was real – the whole sense of the end of the delusion of being separate from everything I experience was very real for a moment, but quickly faded. However my sense of detachment from all my experience, which I have been feeling for some time, on and off, is now easier to reach through self inquiry.

February 20, 2018

This morning had another enlightenment dream – I was in a room doing a dervish dance, spinning and moving with abandon. I seemed to separate from identifying with the body and perceptions and recognized myself as a witnessing presence that surrounded the activity. Some kind of merging started to happen as I became more lucid, and I woke up in bed.

February 3, 2018

All these enlightenment dreams are actually OBEs because I become totally lucid during or before the experience while completely disconnected from all body perceptions. Last night I had an OBE similar to one I had awhile back. I was having a dream in which I was lying on a bed meditating or doing self inquiry. I then became fully conscious and realized this was an OBE. I continued to meditate and I started floating and spinning right to left – my whole body became energy but instead of going with it or using any effort I just became the witness and remained detached from the experience. The spinning energy ball that was my body and self seemed to be in the middle of me while my presence remained outside of it and contained it. Then I opened my eyes and was awake in bed.

January 20, 2018

I woke up and did self-inquiry as I usually do the minute I wake up from sleep. I got out of bed for a minute or two and then lay back down and fell asleep. I dreamt I got up again and it was a bright morning. I was standing in my bedroom in the house I lived in as a child.

I stood in the middle of the room and noticed something was happening, not externally, but in my awareness. I was very present as I am when doing self inquiry. I was contemplating that everything is just what it is and exists without a separate observer, and a feeling of oneness came over me. Then for an instant I got a real glimpse of the truth – everything is what it is, without a “me”! As I began getting this insight there was a “blink” of freedom. It was like a total relaxation and surrender where nothing was being held onto – something I have no words to describe. Everything is relinquished. I felt a rush of tingly physical sensations and thought “it’s happening!” and my body started spinning right to left. I was immediately surrounded by a swirl of golden light with streaks of pink and white. As I started to spin, I floated up off the floor. I instantly became wide awake and knew I was having an OBE. My body now seemed to BE nothing but swirling light. I rose to the ceiling and then I was awake in bed.

The sense of the insight was with me all day and I found myself being present more often. I have a deeper sense of the meaning of surrender and non-attachment. The illusory wall of separation seems thinner.

This made me think about a video arcade game I played in the 1970’s called Tank. Where I worked I had a key and could play it for free. I discovered when I got my tank following the enemy tank, that if I pushed the enemy tank from behind without firing the gun, the game went haywire and the tanks stuck together and flew all over the board. This was obviously just a glitch in the game but at the time it seemed to mean something profound. It’s like when there is total harmony something amazing happens – two become one and all the rules disappear. In today’s experience I was losing my identification as a separate being. The only thing that exists is everything, and it’s all one. You recognize your innate freedom – there never was a trap and you were never not free.

June 8, 2017

After my last talk with Karen Richards I attended a seven day silent retreat with Adyashanti up in Lake Tahoe this May. My younger brother, who lives right near the lake, had invited me to go with him but I could not afford it and had no transportation. He suggested I apply for a scholarship and told me this was the last day they were taking applications. He said if I got it he would provide the transportation. I applied and won a full scholarship that paid for everything.  We shared a room and observed strict silence the whole time.  The whole event was managed very well, our room was fine and the food was fantastic. And Adyashanti was amazing. However I was going through some difficult physical challenges including pain, so the whole event was a bit of an ordeal for me. Still it was well worth it. I had some great insights and feel I understand things on a deeper level now. Even though I might describe my understanding of the truth of reality in the same way as before, I get it experientially in a new way.

During the first day of the retreat, before the silence began, I had conversations with several people. I was surprised to find myself feeling contempt for everyone there, including Adya and his teaching! I realized that everyone who was seeking was just a cartoon character in a story, and that none of these characters would ever find enlightenment, including “me” – enlightenment is waking up FROM the character. This was a result of my still feeling that the world was in my way, as I had mentioned to Karen. The contempt was actually for myself and this whole “seeking” business. I just wanted to be done with it! I also realized this was just a “state” and it soon passed. Later I saw everyone as a spiritual warrior on a sacred journey to liberation. This was also a “state.” But the contempt was an interesting phase as I was feeling the truth that was beyond seeking.

My first insight came on Sunday afternoon (day 3) during one of several group meditations held every day. Someone sneezed, and the sneeze was beautiful. I immediately thought “that’s just my awareness.” Then I decided to drop the “my” and thought “that’s just awareness.” Suddenly I understood that “oneness” is everything being exactly as it is. Before when I had contemplated oneness there seemed to be a barrier between myself and any object. I couldn’t see how I could become one with anything, yet I could feel the possibility. Sunday I realized that everything is already one – the problem was me thinking there was a “me” that had to become one with things. In other words, the only thing in the way was an idea!! So ONENESS was already here! Suddenly everything became wonderful. My mind produced an immediate image of a flood of milk chocolate – everything became chocolate. I had to laugh.

This insight seemed so much like catching a stupid mistake, that it really didn’t feel like an insight at all. But it was a profound insight and is still with me. My ego now feels displaced but is still present. Everything is one with itself – which simply means oneness is already here and nothing has to “become” one with anything. Many, many times I have heard the idea that oneness occurs when you get rid of the notion that it is not already here. Finally I got it. Somehow this insight helped me to better understand “going into the silence.”

The second insight happened while I was sitting on a rock looking at the forest. I recognized that the Forest was ONE with itself, as itself. But I sensed that the forest was also real. So I imagined that the forest had disappeared, and then that my body had disappeared and that the world had disappeared. Then I noticed, and said to myself, “what I am experiencing right now is exactly the same as the reality of the forest.” Suddenly everything DID disappear. It happened the moment I realized that the reality of the forest, and of everything else, was none other than the reality of awareness itself. In other words, the ONLY thing that makes anything seem real is awareness itself, not the apparent object you are perceiving. All forms actually have no reality at all. Only awareness is real and it is THIS reality that makes everything else seem real. But we mistakenly think it is the FORM that is real, when in fact all forms are illusions. But when everything disappeared, my mind tried to make a form out of awareness – that is, I tried to see awareness like I see objects, instead of recognizing that I AM awareness, at which point the momentary insight collapsed immediately. So this insight only lasted a split second. But it made me realize something and this realization was the subject of Adyashanti’s very next, and final, talk.

Adya’s Final Talk:

Adya said that this talk was something he didn’t usually do but felt called to do for this retreat, which was to express his deepest personal understanding of the truth he was teaching. He said it took every brain cell he had and that he may have nothing left for us. We all laughed. But this was perhaps the most lucid and revealing talk I have heard him give. So he just read to us what he had written the night before. The main point that stuck with me, and which made me feel this talk was especially for me, was about how pure absolute awareness and the consciousness of form were enmeshed in such a way as to make the illusion of separateness seem difficult to see through. Rupert Spira talks about trying to see the screen when you are watching a movie, which is a metaphor for trying to recognize yourself as consciousness while you are experiencing life, but this talk helped me understand it on a deeper level. It explained my forest insight perfectly. I had recognized that the forest IS pure awareness appearing as a forest and that the reality is the same whether the forest is there or not. The forest has no reality on its own, and in fact does not actually exist, in the way a dream does not actually exist. I probably have not explained any of this very well but it’s the best I can do for now.

After returning home from the retreat I had a health episode in which I may have come close to death. I spent five days in the hospital. During this time my insights from the retreat helped me immensely. While I was in distress, I can’t say I actually had any fear. I just experienced what was happening in the moment. Today I am doing fine. I believe everything serves a purpose and can be used to help us wake up from this dream we call life.