June 8, 2024

I was sitting in the sun contemplating things and doing self-inquiry when suddenly I was aware of all my thoughts as being separate from me, from my sense of self. I was seeing the whole thinking apparatus as if it were out in front of me, in a sense, and it all seemed to have nothing to do with me. It like I was watching a movie of someone else’s thoughts playing out, but it wasn’t me — it was all just “there.” But what was here beyond the thinking was so pure, vibrant, and alive, and so absolutely empty, so absolutely nothing, that I had no words for it and yet I knew it was just “being.” This knowing was a certainty, and yet it wasn’t a knowing OF anything. You know you know but you can’t say what you know because there’s nothing there except knowing. Nothing has to certify this knowing because it answers only to itself. There was no sense of a me in this at all, only a knowing that what is here is here.

But there was a bit of confusion because without any identification, the sense of a me was out of a job, lost. There was also a weird feeling, outside of the whole thinking apparatus, which I will translate as a question of “What just happened? Is this OK? What do I do?” It’s like my ghost of an ego was trying to engage and there was nothing to engage with. The ego didn’t exist, neither in the being nor in the thinking.

The difference here compared to my other non-dual experiences was that it was OK. I felt no fear or stress about it and no urge to change it – just the sort of off balance feeling like I needed to do something without any idea what that was. But the best thing about this was the sense of utter freedom that’s indescribable. There are no words for it. I simply saw that I am not the thinker. The thinker is an illusion. The freedom was in seeing that nothing that could ever happen in thought has any consequence to me, because there is no me anywhere, so the whole idea of there being a problem for anyone was meaningless. This whole experience was momentary but amazing and hope inducing, like seeing a light at the end of a long dark tunnel that you thought would never end. In a way this was like a different perspective of my “Magic Space” vision. So that was that.

Then a few days later during a Zoom meeting with Unmani (a non-duality teacher) I mentioned this experience and I liked her response (see below). At some point she said something that led me to having a similar momentary experience. This time I briefly saw the illusion of the whole character — the thoughts, perceptions, memories, personality — the whole person that I think I am — all THAT was now in front of me, so to speak. And I was just “Being,” and there wasn’t a self. But there was no identification, so nothing that could happen to the character was of any consequence! Pleasure, pain, life, death, loss, senility — nothing has any consequence, it was just there, as “this.” Like shadows on the wall from your imagination. Again, this was only momentary, but has left a residual impression.

In this experience there wasn’t a sense of oneness either but I had the same sense of absolute freedom as with the earlier experience. It was a realization that no experience could ever hurt me or be of any importance. It reminds me of Adyashanti’s first awakening experience where he lost all fear but did not yet see everything as one.