November 2010

This is about acceptance.  In November 2010 I had an attack of shingles, which is an infection by the chickenpox virus that attacks nerve trunks in the body, causing angry blisters and a lot of pain.  My outbreak was on the lower back and down the leg on one side.  The pain was intense and constant all day and lasted about a month.  It was difficult to sleep and no position was comfortable.  I was told there was only one pain medication that would work but when I read the possible side effects there was no way I was going to take it.  Instead I just accepted the pain, the constant itching, and other discomforts I don’t wish to describe. I accepted it all by not fighting it and I didn’t complain about it to myself.  I didn’t argue with the pain or resist it in any way.

I also used the pain to remind me to do self inquiry.  I questioned whether the pain was causing suffering and whether there was anyone actually receiving the suffering. And I found I couldn’t say that the discomfort really bothered me.  Sometimes I tried to pretend that I was in agony, acting it out, but that always seemed silly.  This reinforced the feeling that suffering is an illusion. I also saw that struggling did no good anyway.  I tried to see that the pain and I were ONE. That was more of a question.  Now, when I look back on the whole shingles affair, I can see that my willingness to accept reality as it is in the present moment, during that time, was a blessing.  I remember one night in particular.  I was in pain and trying to go to sleep but there was no position that was comfortable. I finally stopped resisting the discomfort and told myself that it was all OK, and I went right to sleep.